Recession proves to be sexual boon for some
Fat girls, ugly girls experience rise in flirtation and dating

Miami, FL – The dismal housing market has affected the net-worth and available credit to many a balla’ and playa’ in Florida. Then when the news hit earlier this year that Miami was ranked ‘The Fattest City in the US,’ many in Miami feared that their sex lives were set to experience a horrific dry spell. But the city proves to be wetter than ever, and we aren’t talking about hurricanes and tropical storms. The lack of money and the rise of fatties across the city has resulted in many men lowering their standards when approaching women in traditional meat markets like clubs, bars and the beach.

“It’s been very difficult to approach women when you can’t pay for a dinner date,” says Miami resident Sean Hamilton. “Hot girls don’t dig a guy that is down on his luck at the moment.”

For a while, Scott resigned himself to a bottle of Jergen’s and Internet porn when he stumbled across an amateur clip featuring self-proclaimed big beautiful woman, or BBW for short. It was then that he had a break through. “A lot of these women go out to clubs but guys never talk to them. So I figure I’d give it a shot. It worked out great. It doesn’t matter what the girl looks like anymore, it’s all pink inside as far as I’m concerned.”

Keeping things simple, honest the best bet
Nearly 80 percent of all jobs lost since the start of the recession belonged to men, according to economics expert Mark J. Perry. For some guys, unemployment is the last thing they want to reveal to a “Smokin’ Hottie McHottie.” But for the shameless and desperate, sex is a too important aspect of their lives to go without.

As a result, in nearly ever city in the United States the trend of eligible but unemployed bachelors lowering their standards for sex is observable. Christopher Floyd, a 25 year real estate broker and part-time model from Boston, used to have wicked success nailing a different chick every weekend.

“I tried the honest approach with the girls I typically hit on, but those gold digging bitches weren’t having anything to do with me. Even the girls that I already hooked up with and they know I’m hung like a horse. It’s all about the green to them.” Not one to be so easily defeated, Christopher redoubled his efforts and focused his energies on a group of women he often neglected. “Once I started approaching the fatties, my success rate started to sky rocket. I also started saving money, because these girls didn’t want to be wined and dined, they just wanted to get a little attention for once in their sad, pathetic lives.”

‘There’s some good pussy under this gut’
In spite of the initial dip in sexual activity after losing a job, many single men have begun to report more active and fuller sex lives. Indeed, the wildly held belief that fat and ugly women are willing to be more experimental and wild in bed is proving to be more fact than fiction.

“I remember a comedy routine by Chris Rock when he’s talking about fat women that still feel sexy. ‘There is some good pussy under gut’ was the quote. After a few hook ups, I have to say, there is indeed some good pussy. Who knew?” reveals Colin Deeb, 25, who was let go from his computer consulting gig in November. Although Colin refused to be specific about his sexual activities (allegedly he’s not one to eat-and-tell), he was willing to admit that “fat girls really now how to swallow, which is probably what made them so big in the first place.”

Copyright 2009 The Salty Peters Press. All rights reserved. Can somebody pull the fat rolls out of the eyes of the fat girls so they can read this article about them?

Small Ill. college endures out of control party, riot
‘They were playing crazy rap music like Will Smith’

Elgin, ILL - The campus of a small Christian college was rocked earlier this month after an end of the year party spiraled out of control.  Judson University, nestled in the town of Elgin between the scenic views of Interstate 90 and Ill. Rte. 25, approved one of the first campus block parties ever at this uber-conservative and historically dull college.  The Social Activities Branch, led by the Vice President of Social Activities, came up with the idea to throw a blow out party after receiving the news that Judson University wasn’t even considered when the rankings for Coolest College in Illinois were announced.

“We have a very diverse student body here at Judson University,” said the Senior Class President.  “I’ve seen like fifteen black people here and a couple of Mexicans too.  So I knew that we could throw a party that the venerable Michael Steele could call ‘off the hook.’  I just wish it wouldn’t have gotten out of hand the way it did.”

The girls were dressed like hussies and tramps
Indeed, based on the standards set forth by a Christian institution such as Judson University, the party descended into an orgy of hedonistic activity that many of the students only read about in the Old Testament. 

The party began a few short hours after the last final exams were taken to give the students much needed opportunity to let loose.  The Concert Chair even went so far as to hire an outside DJ.  “I knew it would come with risks and I told him to keep the music selection strictly PG-13.  We aren’t some big time public university that is notorious for its party antics like Eastern Illinois or Western Illinois.  We just wanted some good, wholesome fun and the chance to dance the Macarena.” 

However, an excess of caffeinated cola and Pixie sticks proved to be the demise of the students.  At approximately 9:30 pm, past the time most students typically stay awake at Judson, the extreme doses of sugar coupled with the factor of being overtired sent the student body skyrocketing out of control.  One student called the situation a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah.  Girls could be seen walking around in knee length shorts and spaghetti strap tank tops.  On some of the girls even their bra straps were showing.  “Who knew that years of sexual repression and an overbearing, controlling governing board would lead to young people eventually acting out,” wondered the Provost and Vice President for Academic Affairs.

“When I first came here, nearly ten years ago, they said that I had ‘a warm, steady smile which was a lot like electricity.  Although you can’t see it, you can certainly see the light,’” the University President said.  “I didn’t even know what the hell that meant at the time, but it sure sounded like I was leading these people closer to God.  After this past weekends events, it feels like the light went out a bit.  I guess I wasn’t one of the fancy energy efficient bulbs that are all the rage these days.”

Surround community didn’t notice anything different
The party was eventually subdued after Elgin police were called to the scene. 

“We really didn’t know what the 911 call was all about.  It was just a bunch of kids playing impromptu Twister and taking ’shots,’ if that’s what you want to call it, of soda,” said one Elgin police officer, who refused to be identified since technically it’s an ongoing ‘investigation’ as to who supplied the upper, Jolt Cola.

The residents of the surrounding community were unaware that a party was even under way at the quite campus.

“Wait, your telling me the Bible thumpers and Jesus freaks across the street threw a party?” asked 18-year-old and high school senior Veronica Rodriguez.  “I remember when one of those dorks came over to the house asking me if I heard the good news.  It was November 5^th.  I was like ‘Hell yeah, Obama’s President bitch!’  They never came back after that.  Man I wish I would have known they had a party, that would have been some funny shit to crash their lame-ass party.”

Recession, struggling economy affects admission to Heaven
‘Admission hasn’t been this difficult since indulgences were discontinued’

Heaven - The line of recently deceased stirs anxiously in the waiting room of the Pearly Gates, awaiting judgment to be handed out.  However, there is a new anxiety this year as the waiting time to receive judgment has grown due to cutbacks in St. Peter’s Office of Admissions.  Previously boasting a 5:1 ratio of deceased souls to every staffer, a decision was usually handed out within a day.  Although, there has always been some controversy if that day was more like a thousand years.  But a reduction in disposable income has affected the amount of money donated in church’s nationwide, and thus the offering sent up to Heaven to maintain staff has also declined.

“We lobbied God for a bailout.  We even attempted to enlist His Mother’s help around Mother’s Day but it was to no avail,” said Doubting Thomas.  “He told us, ‘I already gave these people one bailout over 2,000 years ago.  What more do they want?’  He’s right, you know.  This is Heaven, not some crappy state college like Iowa State or Indiana University, which most would argue is Hell on Earth anyway.  Welcome to The Ivy League.” 

Reduction in staff leads to longer waiting periods
The long wait periods has been very difficult on the recently deceased, especially those that fought vigorously the stave of death a few years ago, when admission was much easier to come by.

“I was diagnosed with cancer six years ago,” says Bernadine McCoy. “I took the chemotherapy and the drugs and beat it.  I was so thrilled that I would get to spend a few extra years with my grand children.  If I new it was going to be like this, I would have said the hell with it and let the cancer take me.”

Bernadine’s story is no longer a unique one.  Millions of people are finding that St. Peter and his staff have removed many of the Sin Credits and Deductions under pressure from The Almighty.  On staffer, who only spoke on condition of anonymity confessed, “St. Peter used to give people a Sin Deduction or Credit just for having the same name as him.  He really loved meeting people named after him.”  When asked if God would know that he spoke to us, regardless of whether his name was printed or not, he acknowledged that he knew God would, but he didn’t want to shame his family by talking.

“I’m really lucky to be here, given the things I did.  You need to understand, where I come from, you don’t talk about family secrets.  I was lucky I got whacked in the mid-90’s.  They were letting anybody and everybody in back then.  Times were good and there was so much deregulation on Confession Credit, and I had just gone to confession when they hit me outside of the church.  I’ll tell you, somebody up here was looking out for me.”

Many hoping for at least Purgatory
As the Confession Credit market dried up and the loopholes that once allowed people the ability to obtain admission despite advocating for Same-Sex marriages and a Women’s Right to Choose disappeared, a dreary cascading effect has been observed.  Souls that normally wound up gaining admission to Heaven are now being sent to Purgatory.  As a result, those that have already been in Purgatory are seeing their sentences increased to allow the truly elite and righteous admission.  And those that could count on Purgatory are now being sent to hell.

“We’ve been having a field day down here.  There are people down here that actually had a really good Sin Credit Rating (SCR),” says Satan.  “But with the deregulation President Numbnuts pulled on America, we’ve had people coming in that we didn’t expect.  It’s been a bit difficult accommodating all the extra souls, but hey, it’s been like Christmas all year long.  Well, not Christmas really, because, well you, but you get my point.”

Copyright 2009 The Salty Peters Press. All Rights Reserved (or you can copy it, but then I’ll fucking kill you) This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed (actually, on second thought, pass this around like it’s a slutty high school cheerleader, just make sure I get credit for it so I can get famous)

Tragedy on the high seas

Five pirates dead on famed Disney Ride
 

They should have warned us it was Kill the Gay Pirates Day - Annonymous Survivor

Orlando, FL – It was a gruesome scene at Disney World Theme Park Saturday night, rejected Navy S.E.A.L.S applicants executed five actors playing pirates during a routine performance on the famous Pirates of the Caribbean theme ride.

The applicants, all of them functionally retarded, dove into the water undetected and surrounded the boat.  “This is for America!” one could be heard shouting.  Another boarded the ship singing, “America.  Fuck Yeah!” from the movie Team America: World Police.

A five-hour standoff followed after taking the entire ride hostage and seizing control of the fake ship.  Luckily, no other tourists were seriously injured.  “It was surreal,” one rider who refused to give a name, recalled.  “I thought they looked weird when they showed up in line with their faces painted, all decked out, but then again, I’ve seen a lot of weird things here before.  Like when they had Gay Day without telling any of the visitors in advance.  I just figured it was something like that again.”

‘Increase in vigilantism nationwide’

With the increasing reports of actual pirates having success on the high seas, after years of ineffective heists, there has been a stark rise in the number of incidents of citizens taking matters into their own hands, combating a myriad of problems, ranging from terrorism and illegal aliens to much less violent but equally frightening issues, like sex tapes of celebrities we have no interest in seeing fully covered in a burqa, much less having sex.

Billy “Hefty” Tompson, a former high school football stand out in Mississippi, and now an all-around washed up nobody, shed a tear as he remembered the glory day of celebrity sex tapes. 

“We use’ta have real good lookin’ celebrity women wit; sex tapes that were ne’er supposed to be seen, leaked to the public like Pamela Anderson.”  Bill went on to say, “That there Paris Hilton is a piece of trash.  Not ‘cause o’ the sex tape, per se, but ‘cause o’ the shitty blowjob she did.  As a man, that there lack of commitment to the job is un-American, if you ask me.”

Copyright 2009 The Salty Peters Press. All right reserved (more or less) This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the express written constent of Major League Baseball.