Once a bleeding heart liberal who took chances on riff-raff and street rats, Princess Jasmine has updated her look and now only dates rappers and football running backs.
Archive for May, 2009
Princess Jasmine no longer slumming it
Saturday, May 30th, 2009Random Thoughts 14
Friday, May 29th, 2009
McDonald’s Cookies, Why do you torture me so?
Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
I love McDonald’s chocolate chip cookies. They are seriously like the best cookies I ever had. I’m absolutely convinced of this. I’m also totally certain that the cookies they are selling are nothing more than Pillsbury’s ready made pop them in the oven cookies. Anyway, the highlight of my day is when I can pull up to the drive through at the right time and get the cookies fresh and warm. But the other day my timing was all off because I had to go to work. So I pulled up and ordered my cookies and a chocolate shake. I drove off without looking at the wrapper first, and I was already a bit a ways away when I went to get a cookie when I noticed there was a sticker sealing the wrapper. This was a first. The sticker read, “Must be used by 7:30 pm 5/24/2009.” Holy shit, it’s was 5:55 when I bought the cookies. Not only did I fail to get fresh cookies, but these cookies were about to expire. 
And internal battle began to rage as I debated taking my time and savoring the cookies as I always do, or eating them quickly so I won’t die if I consume cookie after 7:30 pm. Then my high brain functioning took over and I realized that they probably meant that they needed to sell the cookies by that time. But why? If the cookies are safe to consume after 7:30 pm, then why have that sticker. No, it had to mean that I would need eat 3 cookies in less than 95 minutes. Normally not a big deal, but I was already walking into work and I had to leave my food in the back room. So it’s not a given that I will be able to consume three cookies in that time frame, especially if we actually have customers. Again, the pressure was on to decifer the code.
Ripped from the Headlines: Recession affects Heaven too
Monday, May 25th, 2009Recession, struggling economy affects admission to Heaven
‘Admission hasn’t been this difficult since indulgences were discontinued’
Heaven - The line of recently deceased stirs anxiously in the waiting room of the Pearly Gates, awaiting judgment to be handed out. However, there is a new anxiety this year as the waiting time to receive judgment has grown due to cutbacks in St. Peter’s Office of Admissions. Previously boasting a 5:1 ratio of deceased souls to every staffer, a decision was usually handed out within a day. Although, there has always been some controversy if that day was more like a thousand years. But a reduction in disposable income has affected the amount of money donated in church’s nationwide, and thus the offering sent up to Heaven to maintain staff has also declined.
“We lobbied God for a bailout. We even attempted to enlist His Mother’s help around Mother’s Day but it was to no avail,” said Doubting Thomas. “He told us, ‘I already gave these people one bailout over 2,000 years ago. What more do they want?’ He’s right, you know. This is Heaven, not some crappy state college like Iowa State or Indiana University, which most would argue is Hell on Earth anyway. Welcome to The Ivy League.”
Reduction in staff leads to longer waiting periods
The long wait periods has been very difficult on the recently deceased, especially those that fought vigorously the stave of death a few years ago, when admission was much easier to come by.
“I was diagnosed with cancer six years ago,” says Bernadine McCoy. “I took the chemotherapy and the drugs and beat it. I was so thrilled that I would get to spend a few extra years with my grand children. If I new it was going to be like this, I would have said the hell with it and let the cancer take me.”
Bernadine’s story is no longer a unique one. Millions of people are finding that St. Peter and his staff have removed many of the Sin Credits and Deductions under pressure from The Almighty. On staffer, who only spoke on condition of anonymity confessed, “St. Peter used to give people a Sin Deduction or Credit just for having the same name as him. He really loved meeting people named after him.” When asked if God would know that he spoke to us, regardless of whether his name was printed or not, he acknowledged that he knew God would, but he didn’t want to shame his family by talking.
“I’m really lucky to be here, given the things I did. You need to understand, where I come from, you don’t talk about family secrets. I was lucky I got whacked in the mid-90’s. They were letting anybody and everybody in back then. Times were good and there was so much deregulation on Confession Credit, and I had just gone to confession when they hit me outside of the church. I’ll tell you, somebody up here was looking out for me.”
Many hoping for at least Purgatory
As the Confession Credit market dried up and the loopholes that once allowed people the ability to obtain admission despite advocating for Same-Sex marriages and a Women’s Right to Choose disappeared, a dreary cascading effect has been observed. Souls that normally wound up gaining admission to Heaven are now being sent to Purgatory. As a result, those that have already been in Purgatory are seeing their sentences increased to allow the truly elite and righteous admission. And those that could count on Purgatory are now being sent to hell.
“We’ve been having a field day down here. There are people down here that actually had a really good Sin Credit Rating (SCR),” says Satan. “But with the deregulation President Numbnuts pulled on America, we’ve had people coming in that we didn’t expect. It’s been a bit difficult accommodating all the extra souls, but hey, it’s been like Christmas all year long. Well, not Christmas really, because, well you, but you get my point.”
Copyright 2009 The Salty Peters Press. All Rights Reserved (or you can copy it, but then I’ll fucking kill you) This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed (actually, on second thought, pass this around like it’s a slutty high school cheerleader, just make sure I get credit for it so I can get famous)
Random Thoughts 13
Friday, May 22nd, 2009
The Baby Snuggie! Wow, talk about taking douche baggery to a whole new level. Never mind the fact that the Snuggie it self is a little retarded, but now they have a Snuggie that is compatible with your Baby Bjorn. This is the perfect storm of mental instability come together and it needs to be stopped. However, when I start my own crime family, I’m making the Snuggie my calling card when I have my rivals killed. Because I’m going to kill you, then wrap you up in a Snuggie and drop you on the street. Nobody will think it’s an organized crime killing, they’ll just assume that you put on the Snuggie, saw yourself in the mirror, realized how much of a loser you have become and decided to end it right there.
If it’s option A or B, she will quickly blurt out, “Cindy stop, you almost walked out with your skirt in your panties.” The they will play it off like they are so grateful and they are best friends, but really Cindy is thinking to herself, “That bitch is lucky she warned me or she would have lost my support in this shithole.” See, it always somehow comes back to benefiting themselves. But if she instead follows the red line, she’ll be thinking, “Fuck that bitch, she tried to flirt with my man at the Christmas Party last month.. Let her walk out there and show the entire office the cottage cheese on her ass, that’s what she gets for wearing a thong with a skirt, fucking whore!”