I’m back baby! Random Thoughts, after being on hiatus for a few weeks because of my first stand-up performance is making a triumphant return. I have another gig on August 16th, 2009, but I promise you I won’t leave you with out Random Thoughts for another 3 weeks. And here it is baby; Random Thoughts 19!
I fucking love Facebook notifications. Every time I see the little red talk bubble after logging in, my heart goes all pitter patter. “Somebody likes my status!” or “So and so commented on your note.” I fucking love it. But I hate it when I comment on other’s statuses and Facebook notifies me that like 10 other people commented on it as well. Why, Facebook, why do you do that to me? Don’t you realize it’s all about me? Why else would I have this fucking profile it not to make me feel important? I don’t care the Average Bob commented on somebody else’s status after me. Not unless they are commenting about how funny my comment is.
I want to have twin boys so I can lord it over everybody else about how great my sperm is. Few things are better than knowing that the genetic material you are passing on is so awesome, it couldn’t be contained in one embryo, so it created another one. Knowing your sperm is so kick ass, that if it had stayed in one embryo, the sheer awesomeness would have been more than the fetus could handle. Priceless.
Everybody talks about how cougars are hot this, and cougars are sexy that. Then they have nicknames for girls like “sexy little minx” and “pussy cat.” Well, you know whom you never hear about. The alley cat. This can’t stand and I’m here to give the alley cats the recognition they deserve. Sure they might have scars and bullet wounds and an occasional occurrence of lice, but nobody will work harder for you pleasure and approval than a starving alley cat.
You ever notice how people in a car act like they are invisible. It’s like they get in the fucking car and all of sudden think they are Wonder Woman in her invisible jet. Just becaue you are are in a care doesn’t mean we can’t see you! Stop picking your nose or forgetting how to eat like a human being. People eating in car just start shoveling food into their mouths with no regard for societal conventions. In a restaurant, you’ll see people taking regular bites of their burger, but you get in a car, you just shove the whole burger in your mouth like you’re practicing your deep throat technique or something. And when people pick their nose, they pull it out and then they look at it. The always look at it, just to make sure the got it. “Oh yeah baby, you dry ass booger. You’ve been buggin me all day and I just couldn’t wait to get into my car with it’s invisible deflector shield and nobody could see me make half my finger disappear while I scratch my brain.”
Watching somebody get drunk for the first time is like watching Bambi trying to learn to walk on ice.
I just heard that the Jonas Brothers took off their purity rings. Yeah, it turns out now that Michael Jackson’s dead, they won’t be using those for protection anymore.
Whoever said “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop” probably had short arms and were bitter they couldn’t reach down far enough to masturbate.
If we have another Katrina-like scenario and Obama happens to react slowly, will Kanye West say that Barack hates half of black people.
My mother is crazy. Isn’t everybody’s mother? Well of course we all think about mom is crazy, so this isn’t anything new. My mom isn’t exactly a special kind of crazy, like bipolar or multiple personality, or anything like that. She is crazy in the “Immigrant mother” sense of crazy. This makes for some awesome experiences growing up. Every time there is a new illness going around the globe, like Ebola, SARS, or Swine Flu, my mom is absolutely certain that she’s got it. No matter how improbable it was for her to have actually contracted this deadly disease, she was hell bent on that fact that she got it and was going to die in a few days. Like I said “Mexican immigrant crazy.” So one time, just to see what would happen, my sister and I made up a new illness. We called it hypochondrosis. And the time, my mom actually did have a mild case of the common cold, so this may have been really cruel now that I think about it. But we had it with the doomsday scenarios that my mother blindly believed, so we took action. We listed all the symptoms, sore throat, fever, runny nose, and swollen glands and said that it started out like a regular cold, but if untreated for 72 hours, it could be deadly. As luck would have it, she had been sick for 48 hours. Time for a quick visit to the urgent care center down the street. Once at the doctor, mom was hysterically telling the doctor about this new disease that her children had read about on the internet called hypochondrosis and that she needed medication quickly. I’m not sure exactly what the doctor finally said to calm her down, because she didn’t speak to us for a couple of days afterwards. Whatever, it worked. Now, my mom took fours days instead of two to become convinced that the Swine Flu was out to get her. Mission Accomplished.
I like to think of all the world’s religions as cellphone companies. So Catholicism is like Verizon, one of the first and most expensive, but you get your monies worth. US Cellular is like the Mormons, they’ll hook you up with as many people you want as long as it’s an incoming call. And Jehovah’s Witnesses are like CricKet Wireless. They are just looking for a little bit of respeKt.
What’s Mardi Gras like in the middle east? For that matter, what do you think they’re “Girls Gone Wild” videos are like. Do the guys chant at girls on balconies, “Show your lips! Show your lips!” And instead of beads, to they throw stones at them? And another thing; do they have clubs where girls are acting crazy and participating in a Wet-Burqa Contest?
Do you think that Mrs. Michael J. Fox thinks of her husband as a human vibrator?
